My main conclusion from last night is the unarguable fact that you’re all perverts. There was insurmountable evidence of that in the results of the poll that Poppy initiated last week. I hope you’re all ashamed of yourselves.

I didn’t fuck Beth in the end. Sorry to disappoint. I know all you deviants wanted a graphic account of hardcore action, packed with lurid, back-clawing detail, but reason intervened with my baser impulses and convinced me that it would only lead to trouble. And it turned out to be the right decision, we had a grand old time in the end. I got an enthusiastic tongue kiss as we parted company when KOKO finally closed its doors on us at 5am, but apart from that it was all very chaste. I’m also willing to bet that the kiss had more to do with the Archers and orange we’d been downing all night than any long-smouldering romantic inclinations. Nothing like a messy night out to set right sexual tension.

Beth and I had a cathartic chat about everything and decided not get physical. Sleeping with friends is a minefield, I know that much by now. And she’s apparently still that seeing that blue-haired floozy I saw her with last weekend. So maybe she wasn’t a psycho after all.

Alphabeat were completely addictive. We danced like lunatics all evening. Whilst I’m often cynical about that kind of sugary pop, sometimes a bit of daft bopping about to inane lyrics is exactly the right medicine after a busy week at work. And while I’m still heartbroken about the demise of the much-beloved Astoria, KOKO was a suitable camp home from home for G-A-Y, even if it was only for one night.